Yo! Germinatrix – Here Ya Go…

Here’s something I’ve never done before—use my blog to respond to comments at Facebook. I need space and a few of the tools that Blogger gives me.

I’m here because I need to ‘splain wazzup. I’ve been good-naturedly called on the carpet for being what amounts to a wuss, a flip-flopper, a blade of grass (I’m kinda partial to Muhlenbergia pubscens, but had trouble with it rotting out at the crown, but I digress) that bends with the wind.

“Nuh, uh!” I reply!

[Author’s note: You might want to click away from this page now. This is going to get messy (it’s Saturday night and I’m not going to fine-tooth edit) and it’s probably of no interest to more than a handful of people. I’ll be pimping it around at Facebook and Twitter, so you can always pop off and find it later. No, I’m not trying to get rid of you; I like you—I really do like you. I’m just showing a little respect for your time and sensibilities.]

And we’re offfffffffff…..

Quick history: I do a shtick I call Crimes Against Horticulture (CAH). Anyone who follows my blogs or knows me from social media is in on it—pictures of bizarre, f'ugly-in-the-eyes-of-this-beholder-things that people do when they butcher their trees and shrubs, accompanied by my snarky comments.

Long story short(ish): Joe Lamp’l, creator and host of the new PBS sustainable gardening TV show, Growing A Greener World, wanted to have some fun with a pruning episode, so he invited me to meet him in L.A. this week to do a segment based on Crimes Against Horticulture. Am I stoked?

Joe figured we could have some fun, while at the same time passing along a useful message about selecting the right plant for the right place. The 5-minute tidbit ended with Joe and me standing at the base of a massive green cube of a tree I've dubbed Sponge Bob Square Tree. Bob was discovered by a fan of CAH who sent me a picture from his phone camera months ago. I was in awe! You’ll see why.

I forwarded the photo to Joe as an idea for the segment, got a thumbs up and headed to L.A. to scout locations.

One month later: We filmed our stuff last Thursday morning and had a blast. By that night, Joe had posted a picture at the show’s Facebook page with him and me standing in front of Sponge Bob. Comments flooded in.

Ivette Soler left some words, too. Ivette (aka The Germinatrix) is a delightful, passionate, funny (in a slightly Pythonesque sick and twisted way that I totally love), talented landscape designer. After a few years of reading each others tweets and blogs, we met this spring at the SF Flower & Garden Show. I love this lady and enjoy her wit and design eye.

What follows is a thread that starts with my first post and caption of Sponge Bob at Facebook, then an FB post with a pic from my recon trip, and finally Joe’s Facebook post.

[End of history lesson]

Andrew Cheeseman (you might know his wife, of Christy Wilhelmi, alias Gardenerd) sent me this photo of Sponge Bob. It’s not exactly hi-res, but I had a good idea what I was looking at.



My caption: “My quest for the perfect Crime Against Horticulture is now complete, thanks to Andrew Cheeseman, hubby of Christy Wilhelmi, alias Gardenerd. I don't yet know where this resides, but somewhere in Los Angeles, George Jetson's gardener his hovering above this tree, assuring that the top, sides and bottom are laser straight. Actually, I do appreciate the effort and finesse of the work. But it's still SOOOO FREAKING WEIRD!!!!”

[Link to FB post]

Ivette: One point to you—I start by calling it the “perfect crime,” most definitely categorizing it along with all the UFO-inspired junipers I bitch and moan about. That said, as you can see, I almost immediately soften (not in an erectile dysfunction way) and admit to appreciating the effort and finesse.

See, here’s the deal. Snark aside, I’m a very fair-minded guy. It probably comes from being of Vulcan parentage and being born under the sign of Libra. Even when I see a mind-numbing example of bone-headed horticultural acts, I understand that there are a whole lot of complex reasons for the act of butchery.

My Facebook friends’ comments for this photo ranged from humorous to shock to unabashed appreciation. I weighed in with this reply:

“I didn't sleep well last night. Visions of geometric shrubbery danced in my head. I'm soooo conflicted about this one: On the one hand, appreciation for the technical skill; on the other, confounded why someone would go to all this trouble, waste of resources, generation of greenwaste, consumption of fossil fuels and the noise and pollution.”

My bad. I made an unsubstantiated assumption that they were using environmentally harmful methods to maintain Sponge Bob. (Not very Spockian of me.) Turns out, after speaking with Mrs. Vasquez in my mangled Spanglish, I was wrong. Her hubz does the whole thing from a ladder with loppers and pole pruner--no gas, no fumes, no racket. I’m not sure if he composts the litter.

After my pilgrimage to L.A. to seek out Sponge Bob and see him in person, I posted a better photo...



...and included this comment…

“I'm actually here! If ever the letters O, M, F (especially F) and G belonged together, this is that time. You can keep Cheops' pyramid. Behold Sponge Bob Square Tree, soon to appear on Growing a Greener World.”

Though the caption can be taken as something other, the OMFG was an expression of awe, of ending my quest. It’s not a dig, since I go on to compare it to one of the Wonders of the World.

Link to second FB post]

So then Joe posted his thing on Thursday.



His caption:
“So here's how our morning started; Billy Goodnick taping a segment on crimes against horticulture and then, we get to meet Sponge Bob Squaretree in person. You never know who you're going to meet out here in L.A.!”

There’s a lot of chatter in the comments section and then it happens: The saloon doors swing open, the piano player stops just before the 8-bar turn-around going into the bridge of Monk’s Straight No Chaser, customers dive under tables, and Ivette ambles in, spurs jingle, jangle, jingling.

[Ivette's comment] I always thought "Crimes Against Horticulture" meant just that - that Billy was pointing out crimes against horticulture. He states that he doesn't like plants that are altered by shearing and pruning and that proper choice of plants is crucial so that excessive shearing doesn't need to happen. I always LIKED this tree…but was under the impression that Billy didn't and considered it a "Crime" ... what's with the switch-a-roo?...C'mon, Billy - what happened?

In a later exchange…

[Me] Ivette: read my original FB post about Sponge Bob. Never was heard a discouraging word.

[Ivette] OMFG! The "Cheops" comment! Come on!!! You are always so on point Billy!!! You KNOW what you meant ... the subtext was clear!!! I say snark away - but don't back off! We need our snarkers to HOLD THE LINE!!! …So what IS your position on excessive pruning? Maybe I have misread your mission statement, Wise Guy!!!

No switcheroo, my lovely. Per my previous testimony, I might have been conflicted about it, but I was far from ripping it a new orifice. As for stating that I don’t like altered plants, that’s still the case in my own design work and the gardens I’m attracted to, but I’m not opposed to pruning plants, with a few provisos:

ONE: Do it in an environmentally aware way, preferably without gas-powered tools, assure that the greenwaste doesn’t go to landfill, and eschew toxic products.

TWO: Use some artistry rather than the Random Form Generator app on your smartphone.

THREE: Use pruning methods that are appropriate to the specific growth habits of each plant. My Horticratic Oath says “do no harm.”

Here’s how Ivette and I left it at Joe’s post. I didn’t want to bog down his FB page any more, so here we are.

[Me]: gimme a day (too much going on right now and I'm writing from my phone while driving and deep-frying chicken) and I will reply at my blog or FB. I don't wanna weigh Joe down with this. I think you'll be good with my reply.

[Ivette] Wise Guy, I'm good with you ANY way - you know that! Now go handle your chicken!

[Me] NOW look what you did! Made me laugh so hard I dumped the boiling oil. I'm looking forward to putting this into written word.

Ivette’s possible double entendre aside, it was all good-natured fun, but I figure I needed to address her points. And I enjoy having the opportunity to clarify my thoughts for myself.

I think I’m done. Did anyone other than Ivette make it to the end?

Growing A Greener World website
Germinatrix blog
Gardenerd blog

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The New and Screwed up HughesNet

I just paid five bucks to have my internet service turned back on.  Why is that you might be wondering?  Well, because some dill hole came up with a new way in which our service works.  Living in the middle of nowhere you have pretty limited internet options.  Dial-up blows even in a city with good phones and out here with lines put in in 1962 it blows even harder.  Cable and DSL are not going to come this way.  There is just no way they are ever going to bother running lines just so the four of us who live on this particular dirt road can have service so pretty much your stuck with HughesNet Satellite service if you want your pages to load when your try to open them.  There use to be one competitor AgriStar which oddly enough had exactly the same pricing and services as HughesNet, but they were recently  purchased by HughesNet.

For a long time I was pretty happy with the service.  The dish is pretty tough and didn't even need to realigned after either hurricane Rita or Ike.  We pay the minimum of sixty bucks for their base level of service and the speed has always been sufficent. They have always had what they call a "fair access policy" which is a download limit of 200MB which doesn't sound like much, but  I am online quite a bit blogging, selling on Ebay, using Quirky, surfing around etc and my wife finished her college degree by taking classes online through Lamar University. Basicly we have always found that we could do anything online except watch videos. Which of course means that I have missed out on all the great joys YouTube has to offer. If you download software you can do it at two in the moring when they give you a free time. If all the years we have had this service we had maybe gone over this limit five times, about once a year. 

It used to be that when you went over they would slow your service down so much that you could maybe get your email to open, but that was it.  If you called they would sometimes let it go and reset it and other times you just had to wait twenty four hours.  Recently they came up with a new system where if you go over you could pay five bucks and bingo your speed has been restored or you can wait twenty four hours.  Since they started two months ago we have somehow gone over our limit around ten times. A few days ago I spent an hour on the phone trying to get the tech support guy to tell me what the hell they had changed so that I could avoid this. He of course assured my that nothing had changed and as a sign of good faith reset my service without charge, but I know they messed with something.  Somehow they changed the way they count the megabytes in order to get customers to pay  a little more.  Right now I have no options because they have a monoploy on the market.  I don't really miss living in the city, but I can't explain how much I miss my cable modem right now.

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2010 Not So Beautiful Awards

Dateline: Dallas, TX, Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I'm sitting in room 511 at the Hyatt Regency, air conditioning set at a comfortable 72° while the remnants of Tropical Depression Hermine blow through. This is the week I attend the annual symposium for the Garden Writers Association, a professional organization dedicated to communicating the beauty of gardens in words, pictures, television and interpretive dance (good, you're paying attention).

I'm paralyzingly freaked out about the hot, muggy weather ahead. I spent much of last year's symposium touring gardens in Raleigh, North Carolina, feeling like a wet sponge in a microwave oven. At the end of the conference they announced that this year we'd be in Dallas, where it would be "hot, hot, hot! But it's a dry heat." Sure, and armadillo road kill tastes like truffles.

I tell myself that I'm just delaying the inevitable, but for now I have a good excuse for not leaving this vegetable crisper of a room: Ed needs this article by noon, tomorrow.

Why Now?

September is when Santa Barbara Beautiful gives out their annual awards for exemplary architecture, landscaping, public art and signs. Since 2008, I've been giving out my own Santa Barbara Not-So-Beautiful Awards to help balance the ledger. Aside from the delirious endorphin rush I get from taking sarcastic shots at the f'ugliness that some people pass off as gardening, I also seek to enlighten readers to a better, smarter path that leads to more sustainable landscaping.

Category I: The Sisyphus Award

He's the mythological dude who spent his entire life (including federal holidays when lots of people get three day weekends) pushing a big muthuh of a boulder up Mount Ararat, only to have it roll back to the bottom, ad nauseum.


That's what's going on in this Chapala Street parkway strip near my house. Like clockwork, the plant janitor teaches the plants who's the boss, after which the lantana flips him the single digit salute and grows back to its intended size.

On the bright side, someone is getting a paycheck and putting shoes on their kid's feetsies for this perpetual dance. On the dark side, it looks really stupid. If you want to grow lantana (or any other woody ground cover that grows four feet across) in a narrow planter, space them four feet apart and at least two feet from the edges. They'll actually end up looking like plants and you won't be in a perpetual, fruitless struggle.

It gets better, a lot better and a lot weirder, too. Right this way...

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Deer Season 2010

Last year my few weeks of deer hunting effort did not go well. I was only able to get a clear shot once and clicked my safety off so loudly the damn things bolted off into the woods without my bullet lodged inside.  Last year I waited until deer season had already started before I did anything much, but this year I am going to try to up my odds by laying the ground work.  On the actual ground.  On my birthday I got a couple blocks of deer cane as a gift.  They are blocks, about the size of a brick, made of compacted salts and minerals that supposedly deer like to chew the dirt to get at. 

This year I picked a new shooting lane to focus my efforts on.  The place I laid my corn last year was right along side the road and we had to drive past it several times a day.  This year I am going to use an area beside the house down the powerline.  It is a big clear gap between a very thick grove of pasture pines and the area that was replanted a few years ago.  The area is rarely disturbed and I can get a decent view of it from the laundry room window so I can get an idea of the times the deer might be out there before I wait on the porch or in a blind a little bit closer.  I have two months now so the idea is to get them as comfortable as possible crossing that area and give them reasons to linger about so that I can get a shot. 

I know the deer come through here anyway because it is the path they follow in order to get to the peach and pear tree as well as to drink from the branch that runs across this area.  I haven't decided if I am going to hang my corn feeder back here or simply put corn out on the ground.

This is what the block looks like after sitting for a couple of days during the rain.  Your supposed to put it out and let it dissolve in the rain and soak into the dirt.  I will probably go out pour some water on it to get it to dissolve sooner.  I went out about a month ago when I first got it an laid out an old plastic green turtle sandbox that the kids have outgrown and let the grass under it die off.  Right now the deer tracks are about ten feet way from this spot, which is where the directions say to put it.  If they don't seem to notice I will pour out a little corn right around it because I know they will find that.  I may try going to buy some fertilizer which would make the grass in the area more interesting to the deer. 

I shall find out if this is a more effective strategy or not.  The only problem I see it that is puts me slightly closer to the Blue Bonnet Investment Group land that is leased out for hunting to a large group that come up to hunt every year.  These would be the very nice people that I frequently refer to as the dill holes.

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This little piggy

I had intended to write about our trip to the county fair this afternoon, but on our way home this evening we came across my wife's cousin who was just about to head home from his evening bow hunt.  Archery season opened on Friday so we expected he would be out here hunting.  When we pulled up we asked the typical did you get anything question and he said he had a killed a pig so we had to have a look.

This area is right on the fence line of a fifty acre track that the owner doesn't use.  Since it is one of the few places that is total secluded and has not been logged tons of wildlife uses that land for their home base.  On his trail cam he has seen up to forty of these at once so it really is time to thin out the ranks.  pigs can be dangerous as well as  using  up resources and space that could be taken up by more deer. We are hoping to take a pig or two this winter and butcher them, but right now it is warm enough this little thing would be spoiled before we got it cut up.  Tonight it will be food for the coyotes that have been howling like crazy the last couple nights.  I thought I was going to have to load up the shotgun and hangout on the porch last night because they were so close, but I think tonight at least some of them will be munching on this little piggy.

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The Mystery of the Missing Sunflower

This is what the most of the sunflowers in the garden look like right now. Beautiful bright yellow being explored be a swarm of big black  happy bees.  They are coming along nicely although not as huge as the ones that grew last year.  If all goes well I should be able to get a couple a bags of seeds out of these, but there is a problem.  The problem, besides me being able to take a properly focused photograph, is that something is eating or in some way destroying the freaking flowers.  Where are they going?  There is not a pile of flowers on the ground around these stems.  At least seven sunflower plants look the same way.  Right at where the flower would meet the stem it simply ends in a frayed mess.  Are they all going to disappear?  The only positive is that I think I could use these for make shift paint brushes for the kids to play with, but there gonna say "Hey Dad, where did the flowers go" and the best answer I got is maybe big foot at them.  Nature would be great if it wasn't for all the bugs and animals and stuff.

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